Victim identity & self responsibility
The kaleidoscope of human emotions is vast, for each individual the landscape varies, subject to each persons conditioning. One might consider gender, sexual orientation, societal conditioning, religious, family and educational influences. Other impacts are our personal experiences that may have been traumatic. All of these things can define how we relate to ourselves, our internal world and to those around us. So to the stories that we tell ourselves.
Our external relationships often mirror pattern recognition of past experiences especially around wounding. When the individual is seeking to heal an unintegrated part of their life biography we can often find another to mirror this for us and co-create an opportunity to end a cycle.
I am observing many of us coming into deeper realms of understanding and response around boundaries and interactions when we feel these are breached by a situation or person, the contrast in; “being honoured” versus “violation of boundaries” often gives us a roadmap on where to refine and adjust boundaries, identify harmful behaviours and illuminate the places and spaces we may not yet be healed.
For me it is deeply important to be able to correctly identify what emotions are being felt in the body and why. It is important to process and use my voice once I have clear understanding, to be able to look at things objectively rather than an emotionally charged state.
A situation may trigger an unprocessed emotion and this is simply a marker to pay attention, to feel without distraction, allow this energy in motion and ask for healing and integration. On occasion one may be required to remove themself from a situation so that you can process your feelings and come back to things with a heart centred perspective that speaks to the truth of what actually is as opposed to the feelings of what may have been and the stories you narrate and keep cycling in your mind (stories and neurosis are great friends).
A part of this is seeking internal truth. To have the capacity of self responsibility. To own your own feelings…..nobody else can make you feel anything, that’s all you.
Within the dynamic of relationship it is a constant dance, of self reflection, projection, mirroring, feedback and adjustment in relation to yourself and relation to the other. Unconscious cycles with victim mentality, blaming, projection, shaming, denial of self responsibility and the part in which you play into any interaction, in my mind and experience only continues unfinished karmic cycles. In the end we are all responsible for ourselves and our behaviours.
Conflict will often arise when we disregard our internal navigation system that tells us something is not right; when there is an imbalance of power, negatively orientated resourcing, emotional, mental or sexual manipulation, boundaries not being stated/misunderstood/breached, or projections of the unhealed past popping up, behavioural patterns that cause harm, refusal to self inquire after being called on your shit. Idenitifying harmful and abusive behaviours also require an aspect of self responsibility, either you move towards or away from.
Courage for self enquiry and invitation for the other to be a part of this process can bridge discord and be a healing balm to facilitate embodiment of core values and authenticity. Being able to own up to when you're wrong, when you've made a mistake and apologise sincerely is a deeply admirable quality.
Emotional maturity is something that is cultivated, we don’t always get it right because we are always learning and growing with ourselves and with other people. When we/others fall short in connections do we have the capacity to be compassionate and understanding? Is forgiveness accessible?
Equanimity in a relationship calls for both individuals to consider themselves deeply and the way behaviour affects the other. It can also show the need for adjustments. When these adjustments are made and you are in alignment and the other is an alignment, things flow more harmoniously and a sense of peace will arise. Or it might show you that it’s time to let go or end a connection, there is great wisdom in knowing when it is time to walk away and wish someone the best. A reason, season or lifetime all aspects of connection leave an imprint. The ones you let go are as important as the ones you nurture.
It is my intention to let go of enabling the victim mentality in myself and others. To hold accountability and self responsibility as deeply valuable, these virtues can be the fragrance that blossoms long lasting and loving relating.
Inara Lauren
Disclaimer ****This writing is my own opinion and a reflection of my current understanding in my life, this opinion may shift, it is in no way meant as advice or counselling to anyone.