5 Years Sober - The unexpected gifts of living free from alcohol.
*readers discretion advised - truth heavy content.
I woke up dazed, the warm sun was shining on my face, birds were singing, wind was blowing, all the world around me was alive and bright. My head hanging over the wooden deck, neck aching I squinted looking down at the sick on the ground. I gasped and lifted myself up quickly. How long had I been out here? Had anyone seen me? A wash of shame went through my body like a tidal wave. Tears stung my eyes as I got the hose, washed down the deck and the drive in front of my house. As I got in the shower to clean up it occurred to me it was entirely possible I could have choked to death in a pool of my own sick. Not a pretty realisation, but true. I sat in the bottom of my shower and sobbed, I was broken, sick, lost and hopeless.
I was also DONE.
The all encompassing fear I experienced in that day hit so many levels and spaces I could not describe as anything other than dread. I knew the change had to come but i didn’t know how.
The next evening after many prayers and with a sincere heart I went into a deep immersive meditation. This meditation was very profound, I connected with a powerful Curandera and I was told by these beings “If you want to do this work and really live you must put this poison down and never pick it up again.”
I was given this choice and I answered “Yes”.
I received many wisdoms that meditation I know something was shifted in my heart and mind to give me the courage for what came next.
Sobriety!!!
The next 30 days that followed I did one AA meeting a day. I am deeply grateful for those rooms and some of the women who shone a big light and were so willing to support. AA & NA are invaluable resources. Ultimately I found a different path of healing that worked for me outside of these rooms, but I will always remember where I have come from.
5 years in, reflecting, going through old photos, timelines, recalling how things were and how things are now, I see incredible healing has taken place. It has NOT been easy, particularly the first three years or when I have moments of extreme emotional or mental pain and there are still moments. Moments when the desire to escape the present moment are intense and seemingly relentless, yet this is the decision for baseline health for me and I will not waiver. I remind myself…If you think you’re hardcore? Do life sober that’s about as hardcore as it gets!
Here are some of the unexpected gifts of sobriety in my life.
- I have one (a life).
- I have witnessed and felt myself come back home inside my body.
- I’ve started to explore the things in life that really interest me without shame.
- I connect much more deeply to myself and others.
- I have been able to nurture healthy friendships.
- I have become trustworthy with myself.
- I can lovingly be present in space of service.
- I am unveiling new layers of growth and expansion.
- I am experiencing love & joy.
- I can be embodied and experience pleasure with out dissociation.
Plus so many more things. In many ways I feel like my journey as a sober human is just beginning, stepping away from your primary addiction inevitably illuminates the smaller ones underneath, this is the work, this is awakening and shifting into consciousness as a way of being, tending your garden of life and choosing what to nurture. In this moment I only have this day, today. And tomorrows life is not guaranteed. And so today I choose. I choose to live free of booze and be a present as I can. Time and experience counts, the more space I have from intoxication of alcohol the more I treasure the many many gifts that living a life free from alcohol provides me. I am TRULY thankful for all these things and more.
To the great mystery and beyond, may I stay hungry for truth, willing to learn, change, grow. When I am wrong may I adjust and bring repair to myself and that which I wrong. And may I serve in the ways that are most helpful to the great vision with a full and open heart.
May all the beings in all the worlds be happy and be free. May we all continue to find our way home, to the greater heart.
